Title?: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
First or second time viewing?: First
Preconceptions?: A movie notoriously bad enough to have garnered a cult of the kind of fans who like found footage compilations. Not sure if I really remember hearing that or if I’m being blindly optimistic.
“A Topps Chewing Gum Production.” Love it.
Okay, the Garbage Pail Kids are presented in this film as aliens. Didn’t the Masters Of The Universe movie do the same thing? And obviously none of the “violent death” characters are gonna fly in this movie; only the “gross bodily functions” ones.
Music, acting, dialogue, editing and direction are all off in a way that suggests Troll 2 or a Mentos commercial. Holy shit, it’s dubbed?
MacKenzie Astin plays a 14-year-old named Dodger, who aggressively hits on a girl who looks about 20 (a boy after my own heart). She’s the girlfriend of a bully (gangster?) who dresses like Sonny Crockett. Dodger picks a fight with the gangsters and cops a feel on the other 20-year-old girl.
The gangsters drag Dodger into the sewer and drench him in a steady stream of shit-water! Has Danny Boyle seen this movie?
The Garbage Pail Kids’ romp through the magical old British guy’s magical curio shop is as ineptly staged and edited as the drawbridge scene in Maximum Overdrive.
The design of the Kids’ heads is awesomely cheap. It adds an extra nightmarish quality–like a Syd & Marty Kroft show with shit, piss, farts and vomit. There totally needs to be a Garbage Pail Kids dark ride at Enchanted Forest.
The Sonny Crockett guy’s name is Juice. Juice’s girlfriend takes Dodger with her to “sell clothes” at “the dance clubs.” I’m pretty sure she really just said that. Yep. They’re selling clothes. In the parking lot of a dance club. With a really bad country song about being a “big big man” playing inside.
The Kids’ mouths are only articulated in their close-up shots.
It’s reminding me of Rumble In The Bronx a bit as well–the dubbing, the fashions. Where the fuck did they film this? Is it Italian?
An orgy of product placement as the Kids sit down to dinner. One of them yells, “We’re the Pepsi generation!”
The Kids sew Dodger a Sgt. Pepper coat to help him attract the woman of his dreams. She wants him to make more clothes that she can sell. Cue the sweatshop sequence.
Holy shit, this thing is a fucking musical.
Oh, dear lord.
Some of the Kids take a field trip to a movie theater, dressed as perverts: raincoats and sunglasses.; the others go to a bar named “The Toughest Bar In The World.” Ali Gator bites a biker’s toes off. He’s got a total foot fetish. The bikers like the Garbage Pail Kids because they’re spunky.
The Kids get scatological revenge on the clothes-bootlegging gang members for Dodger. And now Dodger and the magical old Brit are gonna help boost the Kids’ friends from the State Home for the Ugly.
Nice fake Madonna song during the clothes-selling montage.
The Kids are a stand-in for the 14-year-old geeks who collected these cards in the ’80s. They are shown to have talents that the beautiful people can appreciate. And of course, the beautiful people exploit them for it.
Two Kids are caught playing doctor inside a steamer trunk.
The Kids issue a cryptic threat to Dodger if he betrays them. It gives them a little more of an old school fairy tale quality. They’re like subservient but vengeful Djinns. That vomit and fart.
The girlfriend is setting Dodger up. I suspect the trollop succubus is going to learn a lesson at the end of the movie, but man, wouldn’t it be something if the movie had the balls to end like Freaks?
Do you suppose it could end that way? Now that I think about it, the movie kinda resembles Freaks up until this point. Cleopatra and Hercules betraying Hans. The gang sells the Kids to the State Home while the Mentos Jezebel stages a fashion show with Dodger’s clothes. Santa’s locked up in the State Home for being fat.
The bikers agree to help Dodger bust the Kids out, which proves to be unnecessary, as the Old Magic Brit easily dispatches its only security guard. If this doesn’t end like Freaks, it’s possible it may end like…
Yep. I called it. It’s ending like Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.
The end credits song sounds like Buckner & Garcia.
John fucking Buechler worked on the design of the Kids’ heads. No wonder they suck.
It’s still better than Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.